Hot Yoga

So this is a story I was going to write up a week ago, but then all the boots happened and I got side tracked.

My mom and I go to a local Jazzercise place every Thursday evening. I enjoy it, get a decent work out in and feel better when I leave.

Two weeks ago we showed up to find a dark building. A storm was rolling in, but seriously it is indoors and it wasn't like a tornado warning had been issued. I quickly checked online and yep - it was cancelled due to the weather. Now, to be clear, my mom and I are the only two people who show up for the 6:45pm class for the last 3 or 4 months. She has our numbers. She knows we are related. It would have taken her 3 minutes to call one of us to inform us of her decision to cancel class and avoid us showing up in the rain. We were annoyed.

Since we were there and dressed in workout attire, we decided to stop two doors down at the yoga place.  I have been wanting to try yoga anyway, so why not?

HA! I doubt we could have been more out of place if we tried.

It all began at the beginning.

The door clearly said OPEN and the lights were on. We tried the door, but it was locked. My mom knocked. Loudly. A very annoyed, pencil thin, middle aged woman came to the door expressing her displeasure of these two drowned rats banging down her door. The previous class was just finishing up and it was quiet meditation time. Sorry, lady. Change the sign to CLOSED next time. Or keep it unlocked. Either way.

We walked to the office to discuss things and figure out pricing, class times etc. Luckily, there was a 6:45pm class up next that we were welcome to join. She asked where our mats were. We explained that we didn't have any. We hadn't planned on yoga and have never participated before. Could we borrow some? With a look of utter disgust, she agreed.

I had to run out to my car to grab the $20 to pay for us both. I have no clue what transpired in my absence. When I got back I heard the lady say "104".

I looked at her aghast and exclaimed "$104?! I thought you said it was $10 a person?"

No, you moron, it is HOT yoga. It will be 104F in the room.

Oh...that is much worse. Could I just pay $104 instead?

Meanwhile the teacher showed up. A late teens/early twenties perfectly tanned super skinny girl with indian tattoos. Want to feel like a fat bowl of porridge? Attend hot yoga. My mom and I looked at each other and gulped.

It got even better.

The class was 26 poses over the course of 1 hour 15 minutes at 104F. To expel toxins and warm up appropriately we were not permitted to towel off or drink for the first 4 poses. Ok...how long could 4 poses take? We were game.

And then we entered Hell the room. It was hot. It was still. It was suffocating.

We spread out our mats and took our shirts off to keep semi cool. Thank god for sports bras. My mom whispered her first of dozens of "I'm going to KILL you".

Then the instructor walked in and laughed.

Ooops...we forgot to turn up the thermostat from the last class. It is only 95 in here. It will be up in no time.

Seriously?

We got started making a mental note that nobody else had decided to join in. Go figure.

The first pose was a breathing exercise to open the lungs and expand the chest. We did it about 20 times. Then we repeated it again.

I was hot. I had a river of sweat running down every inch of my body. I wanted a drink. These four poses better hurry up.

The first 4 ended up taking about a half an hour. I think my mom told me she was going to kill me about 6 times at that point. Then we drank and used our shirts to towel off, not having brought a real towel. We looked real classy.

Time to get into the real poses. We did our best which means to say that we failed miserably and I got dirty looks for laughing and making faces at my mom. We were the only two there, so I didn't see what the big deal was. I wasn't making fun of yoga or the instructor who bent in ways I didn't know were possible. I was laughing at our incompetence and the fact that even when I tried to do a pose, my skin was so slippery from the river of sweat that I just slipped right off. It was funny.

Here is an example:

We did one pose to work on balance. Since we were new and alone she showed us the different levels of technicality for the pose.

Easiest: stand on left leg and rise up on just the ball of the foot. Hold hands palms together, fingers straight up (like praying) with elbows out to the sides and hands at your sternum. Breath deeply. Right leg used as a kickstand with toes on floor and heel against the left inner ankle. Basically just stand there and pretend you are doing any sort of yoga at all. (excuse the horrid paint skills I am showing off here)

Intermediate: Right leg up so the inside of foot is resting against the inner left thigh knee pointing outward. I tried this and after figuring out how to not have my right foot slip and hit the floor hard, it was actually a fun little exercise to work on balance and breathing.

Hard: Right leg up to left hip crossing over front of body. Nope. My foot came nowhere near my hip.

Insane, are you even human: Right leg up on left hip. Bend over. Squat down so that your butt is just off the ground and all your body weight is concentrated on the ball of your left foot. Yeah - never going to happen. (sideways view below)

Or another:

Easiest: Stand on left leg. Bring right leg up with knee bent so that thigh is parallel with the ground. Hands as above. Breath deep the inferno.

Intermediate: Straighten right leg out in front of you and grab right thigh

Hard: Bend forward and grab your calf

Insane, are you even human: Bend all the way flat grabbing your right ankle then go up on the left toes.

We squeaked through the class staring down the clock and sweating more profusely than I have ever before in my entire life.

Eventually it ended and we snuck away.

I don't think they were sad that we didn't become members that night.